KIKUYU MEN: Here are 10 Reasons Why Your Women Can't Just Stop Sleeping in Tracksuits and T-shirts Inscribed 'Seng'enge ni Ng’ombe'
MEMORANDUM TO ALL MY BROTHERS, UNCLES and NEPHEWS with Ancestral Roots in the Precincts of Mt Kenya;
By Collins Wanderi.
Last week, we told the ladies what we thought about their culinary skills. Thankfully, many agreed to change.
However, some of our very pretty ladies sneaked into my inbox and shared a few things they want the menfolk from around the Great Mountain to deal with URGENTLY.
The list is long but in no particular order. Below are the main ones:
1. If you love your 'mûtura', frothy alcoholic beverages, 'mûratina' and inhaling or chewing tobacco products; 'mbakî', 'kîraikû', 'njiri' or 'mbani', please ensure you brush your teeth before you join your missus, concubine, girlfriend or 'contraband' in bed.
"If you choose not to, do not complain and be ready to always forgive her for opting to sleep in a tracksuit and T-shirts emblazoned “Segenge ni Ng’ombe; Kazi Iendelee; or Tano Tena!"
2. It is bad manners for a man to walk around looking 11 months pregnant while there are people who genuinely can’t afford a single meal in a day. If you are in the group that comforts itself with fabs like, “urefu ni Mungu hupeana lakini upana mtu hujitafutia”, the girls suggest that you should refrain from escorting them to Ante-natal clinics.
You may confuse the gynaecologist(s) as to who between you and the Mrs is in greater need for their services come the Estimated Due Date (E.D.D).
3. If you work and live in Nairobi, Mombasa or such other townships pretending to be cities, you are advised that taking your Mrs and children to villages like Kîûnyû, Kîorone, Gakoromone, Njûkînjirû, Kîritîri, Kîangai, Ndûndûri, Maî-a-ihîî, Ituramîro, Mûtwe-Wathî, Kîangoma, Wanyee, Kanungaga and other places with such weird names is NOT the best idea of a HOLIDAY.
"If you must take an annual pilgrimage to go and pour libations to the bowels of your ancestors, please do it alone. If urbanization and sophistication has not helped you outgrow such native pastimes, you are in dire need of a miracle."
4. Yes! Yeah! Yap! or Uga! among others, are not greetings. They exhibit rusticity. Please invest some hours reading more than just newspapers. You might just acquire some new words illustrative of class, finesses, and social etiquette.
5. TOYOTA Probox, Succeed, DX, Hillux, Noah, Wish, Fielder, Yaris and iQ (hizi ni gani) are not the only models of cars manufactured in Japan. There are far much more fancier models of metallic contraptions propelled by fuel combustion engines available in the market.
Upgrade or forever refrain from criticizing your sisters who opt for wannabes and crooked fellows who understand the effect of greater horsepower on the fairer gender.
6. “Waugire ûkahe rî?” (when did you say I will lick your honeypot?) is a complete turn off for the girls and is the perfect giveaway that you’re an unsophisticated villager. The phrase makes fair ladies confuse you for your goat-skin adorned ancestors.
Try “nî ngwendete” (I love you), “wî mûthaka/mûthongi” (you're beautiful/lovely) or “nî ûkenagia ngoro yakwa”(you make my heart go giddy up), and your chances of success may increase tremendously or just quadruple.
7. If you are married but in the nauseous habit of indulging in procreative horizontal escapades with slaughter queens, please avoid the temptation of driving your contraband to her neighborhood in the name of cutting costs.
It is wise to avoid familiarity with toughees in rough neighborhoods. Please consider the public image and esteem of your missus and children just in case the toughees decide to turn you into termite feed for hunting in their territory.
CHART OF INTEREST
"A lot of girls from the Mountain have been suffering in silence and requested that I highlight this point particularly to our brothers in the south-western and north-eastern Slopes of Kîrîma kîrî Nyaaga."
9. It is okay to take pride in your achievements. Words which belittle your success should be dropped forthwith. Stop calling your mansion 'kanyûmba' automobile 'gakari' and answering every attribution of your success with the phrase, 'no kûgeria' (just trying) to make fellows with lesser achievements feel good.
If you have worked hard and 'Mûrungu' has blessed you, say it openly and loudly. Spend your money on yourself lest you expire and leave lazybones hacking each other over your sweat and blood.
10. Safari boots and sneakers like NorthStar, Puma, Adidas to mention but a few are durable and cost effective. As much as you may like them, please avoid wearing them with suits and ties. Our good girls think that doing so makes you look very 19th Century.
11. Finally, when and if you are in the habit of traveling to the village with your family, please stop parking your car outside the nearest village bar or marketplace before you reach home.
The girls do not like it. They are not trophies and are not keen to shake hands with every village drunk you were in primary school with.
NOTE: This post is dedicated to our Sisters, Aunts and Nieces who have to sleep in tracksuits and T-shirts emblazoned “Seng'enge ni Ng’ombe; Kazi Iendelee; or Tano Tena” for whatever reason.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Captain Collins Wanderi comments on topical socio-political and economic issues. Follow him on Facebook HERE.